Notes In a Psychotherapist's Notebook
by Verocat
Summary: Mattthew Williams, a student in one of the universities, has had no friends in his life, and that fact nearly makes him go crazy. After a strange situation, he meets a strange psychotherapist and his life totally changes. Warnings: AU. NEW: Ch.2 is UP!
1. Chapter 1

Sounds of glass breaking suddenly came out of the room.

Matthew Williams stared at the pieces of glass on the floor silently. His face had a strange look, but it was neither a look of a normal human, nor an animal look. It was like... A look of a robot that could show emotions but had a system failure inside. In other words, Matthew was surprised, angry and smiling at the same time. His unnatural crazy smile combined with blue eyes opened wide and tears ready to come out of the eyes. The young man seemed to look somewhere into the distance, like the opposite wall was transparent. He acted like he wanted to move but something stopped him from doing this, and Matthew fell on the small sofa behind him.

"I didn't need the mirror anyway", - said Matthew abrupt and bitterly, with his voice fading and gasping. - "I've seen myself so many times that I hate my look now. I wouldn't see anything new in the mirror, I know myself even without glasses. Bags under my eyes because of sleepless nights, my pale face, the damned curl in my hair, stupid glasses, thin body and no one beside me. Especially no one around" - He sighed. - "I don't need to see myself. No one sees me even in the mirror, so it's useless. Like me"

Williams took a glass from the table beside the sofa and threw it into the wall hard. There was ringing again, quieter than before. After that, the blonde stood up and smiled crazily. He tried to walk to the door but his legs couldn't carry him, and he fell on the floor. The young man didn't bother about it - he didn't even understand what happened. He lay on the floor, laughing strangely.

"What did you just say, Kumajirou-san?" - Matthew looked at the bear that was sitting on the floor in the corridor and staring at the man. "Or didn't you say anything, eh? Whatever... I can't understand anything anyway. No one can understand anything now. No one needs me... and I don't need anyone!" - He shouted it as loud as he could. - "No one, you've heard me! Now, let them die in their own world of violence... Let them die!"

Williams started laughing again and couldn't stop for a long time. His body was shaking a lot, hitting the parquet hard, and so was his head. Matthew often pattered his hand to the floor and shouted with tears all through his face and still smiling.

He didn't think about anything and just followed his mind. He tried to stand up, fell down, shook his body, pattered on the floor only smiling. Matthew didn't want anything, only to do what he did at that time. He was smiling and smiling and smiling when all went dark (he forgot to turn the lights on), when his head was hit by something heavy, when he noticed blood on his forehead, when he felt weakness, when he fell limp and lifeless on the floor, whispering something, when the last tear ran across his face, and Matthew fainted. Still smiling.

***

Some hours later, when Matthew came to himself, he felt only some pain in his head and a strong will to get up from this stone floor at last and do something. It was already 7 a.m., so he immediately got up and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast for himself, find Kumajirou and get ready to go to the university. So, as usual, the Canadian quickly got something from the fridge, had a glass of milk and began to look from the kitchen window. Alone, as always.

Matthew remembered that he didn't say a word to somebody except himself and Kumajirou during the last two days. They were the days off in the university, so he didn't have to talk to anyone. Without any friends, Matthew always spent his days on his own, going out somewhere, like having a weekend in the country or having an ice cream with maple syrup in the park. But due to some illness in the city, he could go to neither of those places two days ago. So, just to spend his time, Matthew went to some electronics shop - just to look at the gadgets, that's all. To be honest, he looked like he was interested in them, although he wasn't. He was all in his thoughts when he heard:

"Could I help you?"

Matthew turned and saw a tall young man, the same age as Williams, that was looking at him and - was that true? - smiling. Smiling! Matthew couldn't believe it was true, and his cheeks went all red.

"Um... Excuse me..." - he could only say when he tried to get out of the shop as soon as possible. He just... couldn't stand that man's look. Like it was a special look to him, Matthew Williams, and no one else. But there was something else in that smile, like... compulsion. "Looks like he's insincere", - thought Matthew, - He smiles because he has to, that's all". - He already got to his house and was ready to open the door. - "God, why am I thinking so much about this? It's only a small incident. I'd better drop this out my head and get at home at last". - And Matthew did.

This morning, after the last night, he thought he acted like an idiot. First, when someone paid attention to him, he left that person a minute later. Then, Matthew blamed himself for this night madness. "I've started to grow crazy a lot recently", - he said to himself. - «And do terrible things. Maybe that's because I don't have anyone to talk, friends, I mean. But, in my opinion, everyone would go crazy if they were me, so it's not surprising. It seems I need to find at least one friend, or I'd become a real psycho".

***

Half an hour later, Matthew had already come to his university. It wasn't far away from Matthew's house, so the young man came there very early, so he couldn't see anyone inside yet. Again, he was alone. But he didn't feel really sad about it at that moment - he could go anywhere freely, without meeting hundreds of people. So, it was a lucky beginning of the day to Matthew. Well, except the thing he was VERY sleepy this morning, no wonder why. But he was lucky no one could see him, and that's why he happily walked along the corridors, a little bit unsteadily. Williams opened every door he saw and looked inside. The rooms were empty, but it didn't stop Matthew to continue his walking, although he felt like he would fall asleep soon.

"I should have gone to bed earlier and shouldn't have thought about bad things", - the young man said to himself and opened one of the doors. - "I'm such an idiot!"

"Hey, you're not!" - he suddenly heard back, and that nearly made Matthew jump and scream.

In the small room, at the table with lots of papers on it, sat a tall man with glasses, blonde hair and blue eyes. The man from the electronics shop.

"I think I saw you two days ago!" - the man continued, smiling. - "You were really strange!"

Of course Matthew saw him two days ago!

"Who... Who are you?" – the words escaped from Matthew.

"I'm a man, of course!" - laughed that man.

"No, _I'm_ a man!" - suddenly for himself objected Williams.

"No, _I'm _a man, and you're a freak!" - answered the man.

"No, you're a freak! Look in the mirror"

"Look there yourself! You don't even look like a man"

"That's _you _who don't look like a man here!" - shouted Matthew and went silent without any oxygen.

"Anyway", - said the man. - "I've been studying here since this September. My name is Alfred F. Jones, by the way. During the day, I work in this room as a psychotherapist - I give psychological consultations for students. I'm starting to work today"

"Oh, really?" - said Matthew and felt uncomfortable. - "Sorry then" - He turned to the door and was going to go somewhere else.

"Wait! - cried Alfred. - I saw you two days ago, as I've said before. You're acting really... strange, I think. Like you have problems. Um... So, um, I think you need an individual therapy, so you could be happy".

"But..." - tried to say Matthew.

"No "but"s", - отрезал the "psychotherapist" - "You won't get easily from me! So, what is your name?"

"Matthew", - said the young man. - "Matthew Williams"

"Now, sit down, Matthew, so I can talk to you and get to know you. And answer all my questions!"

_Yeah, a lucky day indeed..._

_

* * *

A/N: So, I've started a new story at last! I haven't written anything for a long time because I'm TERRIBLY depressed (well, less than I was last June). I'm having my final exams this week, so I don't have much time for the internet. But I promise to update this story soon. This chaptar wasn't beta-ed, but the next one will be, I think._


	2. Chapter 2

"Now", - said Alfred, giving Matthew on of his happy smiles, - "I will give you some psychological tests that you should answer. Or, to make everything faster, I'll read the questions aloud and you just say the answers"

Matthew still couldn't get used to what he had been doing then and was so nervous (not because of all that psychological stuff, but because of the atmosphere) that could only mutter a slack "okay". His interlocutor nodded and opened one of his table's drawers. At that moment Matthew felt that it was a pity he couldn't see what inside the drawer because, frankly, he had never seen a psychotherapist in his whole life before, and so he became more and more interested in him, like a 10 year old child. But because of his character, Matthew rarely showed if he was interested in something and only listened attentively; sometimes even becoming totally invisible and all ears. Only one sign could 100% show that the young man's interested in the subject: his blue eyes behind the glasses really shone, not like they always shone with a lifeless and glass light. Although, no one could guess what he was thinking at that moment.

"Ah, got it!" - finally cried Alfred, getting a big black notebook and opening at the right page. - "First, I want you to answer the questionnaire, Matthew. Get ready!"

Matthew raised his head a little, but he still didn't look straightly at Alfred. Alfred began to read aloud.

"First question. What quality do you like most in yourself?" - he pronounced.

Matthew slowly looked at the ceiling, then at the floor again, then pretended that he was thinking hard with all his mind and only after that he shook his shoulders and said: "Honestly, I don't know" He really didn't. He thought about it as he thought about himself, or, generally, never.

Alfred raised his eyebrows in surprise. He looked at Matthew weirdly for a minute but then said: "Alright. Second question. What do you hate most about yourself?"

This time, Matthew looked at the table again. "Shyness", - he said quietly.

The psychotherapist went happy again. "Third question. What qualities do you like most in the men?"

It was Matthew's turn to get surprised. He never expected THAT question to be in psychological tests. The young man nearly jumped in his chair and thought as his face changed his colour from pale white to tomato red. "DO YOU THINK THAT I'M GAY?" – an almost angry cry escaped him, as the books on the table began to tremble.

"Not THAT loud, please" - Alfred started to speak in a comforting tone fast. - "I understand you, but you just didn't get the question, I think. We can screw it if you want"

Silence.

"Fourth question. What qualities do you like most in women?"

"Women?" - murmured Matthew. He could answer any questions but this one. Besides, he had his special weird thoughts about women that he thought Alfred would laugh at. - "Um... I don't know. I.. I never thought about women, really" - He spoke the truth. He just never had any time to think about women. Also, he was taught to think only about what's important to him at that time. Women or girls were not really important for him.

America's jaw dropped. "R-really?" - he could only say. - "I always thought everyone thinks about them. Haven't you even fallen in love?"

"No"

"I don't believe you!" - suddenly livened up Alfred. - "_All_ people have fallen in love! You just don't want to tell me about this, right?"

Silence again. Matthew didn't know what he could answer to this. He never lied and just told everything like it was, so he couldn't say that he has something else to tell. And who knows what Alfred would think if he speaks up?

"I can't give you tests like this, Matthew", - Alfred finally said. - "You can't answer any of it properly"

Matthew sighed. "I- I just don't want to tell you everything", - he said quietly so his interlocutor hardly heard him.

"But why don't you trust me?" - wondered Alfred. - "I won't do anything bad to you, believe me! And I surely won't laugh at you!"

"I don't trust you because, eh... I don't know you at all. So I can't tell you everything, sorry." - Matthew said it roughly so that Alfred started of this unexpected sound.

Jones opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a load opening of the door. Matthew quickly turned his head to see who's there.

A short thin young man of Alfred's age with blonde hair, green eyes and _really _thick eyebrows stood in front of the Alfred's table and stared at the room. Matthew noticed that he didn't seem rather happy of this sight and looked as he only noticed Alfred.

"Alfred, what a mess you have over here!" - the young man said rather angrily at last. - "I told you that you can't be a real psychotherapist! Still waiting for the clients, I suppose?"

"Check your eyesight, Artie" - laughed Alfred impudently. - "I _have _a client, and he's almost my friend!" - He turned to Matthew. -"Matthew, this is my friend, Arthur. As you heard from his accent, he's British".

"Nice to meet you, Matthew", - said Arthur and gave him a little smile. - "Sorry I haven't seen you at first. I hope to know you better. By the way, Alfred, I've brought you Chemistry books you've asked me. I've left them outside your cabinet"

Alfred looked at the clock in the mobile phone. "Matthew, you see, we and you all gotta go now. But I still haven't finished our session, so wait for me near my cabinet at 4 p.m. so we could finish. Now, see ya". - And both Alfred and Arthur got out of the cabinet. Matthew went out the last and closed the door.

From this minute, Matthew started to realize something has changed in him. He had a sudden feeling that there was something like a little explosion in his head, and all his previous standards and stereotypes broke into tiny pieces. Today, there was something else important for Matthew besides the university and his ordinary living. A person entered his small, untouchable, strange world and didn't want to get out of there. No, thought Williams, remembering Arthur, two people. But the first person that entered his world, Alfred, had done other things. For the first time, Matthew was asked some questions about himself, and someone got interested in him and wanted to know him more. For someone, Matthew started to be not "one of the students", but also "a client" and almost "a friend". The young man couldn't even dream about it before, and it's all real now.

And also, the most important thing of that all, was that Matthew was _noticed_. The young man pointed at that when he wrote about it in his diary. For the first time in his life he was a person and not the part of the crowd or a lifeless decoration.

"Kumajirou, can you see me?" - suddenly asked Matthew his bear.

He could swear he had seen that his bear had nodded.

* * *

A/N: Hi guys! Sorry I haven't updated this story for a _very _long time. You see, first, I've been to England and couldn't get a commputer there. Then, I couldn't write because of my depression. But now I feel very happy because of my birthday (it's today!) And, this chapter isn't beta-ed again because my beta was really busy.

Thank you, the awesome people who reviewed: **Lucky-Angel135, kenpachi-sama, Hellathedeath and Naruta13!**


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